Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
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The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
2023 was just a warmup
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone