[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
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“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.