FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
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establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE