Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6