BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.