I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
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If only.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet