My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
You Might Also Like
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
This headline is a thing of beauty
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!