wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
You Might Also Like
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
see you in hell you stupid fruit
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit