If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
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When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Growing up was a huge mistake
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
✌🏽
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.