I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush