Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
You know…for fall…
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING