[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
“I FIXED IT!”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Who called it baking and not making love
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.