“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.