There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Facebook memories be like
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Was it something I said?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?