Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.