If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.