The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*