It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
The fall of Netflix
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Tastes like chicken.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.