Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
You Might Also Like
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder