CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
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At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.