I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
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Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.