Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
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Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything