[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Liquor Store Parking
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.