Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Monday Lisa
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Holy shit he’s back
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?