If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
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Always the barmaid, never the bar.
who wore it better?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?