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A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*