Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.