People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
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My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.