Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
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Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.