me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.