me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
You Might Also Like
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I’m sorry…what?