Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
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remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Cat is stressing him out.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Oops
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long