Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I have a type: disappointing
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Best spot.. 😅