I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
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Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
cry laughing at this shit
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.