unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.