Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
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[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
*skinny dips into black hole
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say