*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.