guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
You Might Also Like
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family