Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
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Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!