When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
You Might Also Like
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.