When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
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I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.