Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
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I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it