Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim