Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
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My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
It was worth a shot 😂