If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
That’s incredible! 👌
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie