I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”