The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
You Might Also Like
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.