I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
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I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I’m not average. I’m mean.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good