Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
You Might Also Like
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
The news
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…