Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
58.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break